Annual In-Law Golfing Weekend

The week was filled with weather checks for the Gaylord area, phone calls to various golf courses to check on early bird prices. We decided we'd play Michawye the first day since no other golf course would answer their phones. The price - $30 all you could play with lunch and cart. Getting back to the weather forecast, the day of the outing, the high was to be 45 degrees, sunny, with 30 mph gusts of wind. But, we were ready to play and the only thing that would be keeping us back was snow.


Thursday while checking some news online, I read that a forest fire was spreading by 4 Mile Bridge near Grayling and had jumped I-75 and several vacation homes were destroyed that were in the path of the blaze. As we passed the area on Friday on our way, there was still smoldering and the smell of the charred timber was in the air. It was eerie to say the least.

I scheduled two tee off times, one for 11:20 and the other for 11:30. It was cold to say the least, but as seasoned golfers, we were ready, all except Debbie. I had urged her to pack articles of clothing that would keep her warm, including a pullover cap, gloves, scarf and wind pants. You know, something that would keep your body warm since she wasn't playing or moving around, only drinking. Like usual, she took my words of wisdom as meaningless babble. The bitching and complaining started as soon as we left the cabin and continued all the way to the golf course and then in the cart to first tee box. She told me about how idiotic it was to be out there in this type of weather and I could see that she wasn't going to stop. So, I politely asked her to return home and let us play what I called a 'Bitch Free' round of golf. On the way out of the golf course, Deb turned the wrong way and instantly became lost in the massive wooded sub-division that surrounded three other golf courses. But, the Golf Gods were with her and she found her way out of the forrest and back to the cabin an hour later. I of course, got blamed for telling her to make a right when she left the golf course. What I said to her was, "You're going straight home, right?" And of course, she claims I said "At the end of the driveway, turn right." Blame me, I don't care. It's like that at home. Her favorite line is, "I didn't do it, so who's left? and my normal respose to that remark is always, "I guess it's me and I don't really give a sh-t."

It was cold and the girls only played nine holes and after the free lunch (drinks cost) the girls went back to the cabin and Nick and I continued to play the second nine. I was dressed for the elements and Nick, being young, didn't seem to mind the Artic climate. We were thinking of playing the next day, but when I got out of bed, I couldn't walk and politely declined to go out again. Besides, Nick gave Uncle Jim a lesson. But remember, I have a back injury or so I told him. I told him, once the weather warms up to at least 70, we'll go out again and maybe it will be a little different. Doubt it, but maybe he'll be ill or something. Maybe next year the Weather Gods will be a little more kind.

Home Intruder Captured

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Best of times for me, and the worst of times for that hideous creature who entered my garage uninvited. I never thought I'd ever have to call the Po Po on anyone or anything, but today when I walked out of my kitchen and into the garage I instantly realized that someone or something had violated my space. "Hello" I said from my cell phone. "This is Jim Hall on Boody Hwy. and I have a prowler cornered in my garage and I think he's going to try and bolt." I was told an officer was on his way and not to try any heroics.

I remained in the garage, keeping an eye on the predator that was now hiding amongst my belongings. One time becoming enraged when the intruder tried to move, I said in a calm voice "Move and I'll pop a cap in your in your ugly ass ." The intruder looked at me with his cold eyes and stopped dead his tracks. He knew he was cornered and I wasn't just a helpless 60 yr old. He knew he had met his match. Luckily for him, the Eaton County Authorities arrived, just as I was about to take matters into my own hands.

As the officer stepped from his vehicle and was reaching for his sidearm, I told him it wasn't necessary and that all the fight was gone. The culprit was cornered and laying subdued on the garage floor, all the fight was gone from his now shivering frame. "Thanks for getting here so quickly Officer, but as you can tell, I have the situation under control." He thanked me and said that he wished there were more Citizens like myself and that my quick response probably stopped this vile creature from entering into other residences.

As this courageous County Law Enforcement Officer walked to where I had this lowlife trapped, he could see that there was indeed no fight left and all he had to do was take this lowlife piece of sh-t away to the hoosegow. Again I thanked him for his fast response and asked what he was going to do next. He looked at me with tired eyes and said. "My shift is over, my duties to the public are complete, so I think I'm heading to the bar and pound down some brewski's." I handed him a couple of bucks and said, "Here you go my friend, the first one's on me. Tonight, my family can sleep in peace."

Debbie's Footie Hurts

A few months before New Year's Eve of 2007, Deb's right foot had been hurting and we figured it was ligaments since her left foot prior to this felt the same. According to her, the pain went away after a year. On 12/31/07, we headed up North to Cadillac to party with brother Steve and wife Stacey and to our surprise, her cousin Jim and his wife Beth showed up also.

Since I don't drink any longer, I got to sit around and watch everyone else get totally trashed prior to leaving for town and watch them drink some more. Knowing Debbie as I do, after a few drinks, she thinks she should be on Dancing With the Stars. You ever see a drunk dance? It's FUNNY. Anyway, I told her to be careful and not too dance to much, but as soon as she entered the bar, she was dancing herself to the table. We danced the first fast dance and she said that her right foot was extremely painful to walk on and she would only dance slow dances. Next thing I knew, a fast number comes on, her brother grabs her and off they go to the dance floor. I noticed on her way back, she was trying not to limp and I could see the pain she was in. She grabs my shoulder and collapses into her chair. With tears in her eyes, she says, "Honey, I can't do this anymore, I'm really hurting." "Well.......", I was about to say, and looked up and she was on her way back to the dance floor with Cousin Jimmy and they were both doing some 'Drunk Dance'. When the dance was over, she tried to walk back to the table like there is no pain, collapses in the chair, but this time, crying. She asks me to go up and get her a drink, and like a dutiful husband, I did.

I get back to the table and no Debbie. I asked my sister in law and she motions to the dance floor and who is back up there spinning around like a top? Yep, you guessed it. A few songs pass and finally I say, "Hon, this is my favorite song, how about you and I going......." "Are you nuts? You want me to get up and try and dance? Honey, I hurt too much, I can't" "Sorry!" I asked Stacey if she wanted to dance and we head for the dance floor. Within two minutes, Deb passes us with the guy from the next table and the two are dancing the same 'Drunk Dance' that she did with Cousin Jimmy. How did this stranger know the steps??? Back at the table I said, "You wouldn't dance with me because your foot hurt, but you dance with the guy from the next table?, She looked up and said "He asked me and I couldn't turn a stranger down." Whatever!

New Year's day we were at the Cadillac Hospital getting Xrays.

Fast Forward four months. After months of listening to her bitch about her foot, I made an appointment for her with the foot doctor. Short version, he's making her two leather type inserts for her shoes and she has to wear them for a few months until she is better. Damn, I hope this works because I'm really tired of listening to her complain, tired of seeing her hurting and really tired of having to rub her feet for two and three hours a night. Not that I wouldn't do it for her anyway, but not every night.

The Doctor said to her, "Can I get you to turn over and lay on your stomach for me?" She flipped over faster than a sea otter with a clam on its stomach. He applied the casting material and now it's a game of wait and see. I hope it works, cause I'm tired of rubbing her foot.

Becky Sue is Niffty Fifty

About a month ago, before I started back to blogging, our own Becky Sue, wife of Rick, Mother to Molly and Kellen, Sister to Debbie, Steve and Scott and Sister in Law to Stacey and myself, J.E., turned the Big Five O. One day when Deb and I were at home, Molly called and said that she and Kellen were planning a surprise birthday party for their Mom and since we were their favorite Aunt and Uncle, they of course wanted us there and said that we could have one of the upstairs bedrooms if we came. Well hell, that was better than sleeping on the hide-a-bed, so I told her that we wouldn't miss it for the world and what could we bring to help her out. Then I found out that they actually couldn't get anyone to commit and we were the last ones on the list. Molly said that if people knew that Aunt Deb and Uncle Jim were going to be there, then everyone else would show up. Now is that an M.S.U. grad or what?

As we walked into the cabin ready to party, Kellen, Molly and the Birthday Girl were sitting on the couch wondering why people were starting to arrive at the cabin until Molly said, "Damn, I forgot that we were having a party for Mom." Not to worry. This family is a partying family and it doesn't take much to get one going and lucky for Becky, we all brought gifts. Apparently, the word had spread that Deb and I were going to be in Gaylord that day and more and more, relatives and friends were starting to show up along with people that no one knew. They just saw cars in front of the cabin and figured it was par-TAY time. Debbie brought 150 Jello Shots for herself, but decided she'd better give one to the Birthday Girl. Becky opened presents and pretended to like them all, but later told us that she like the Sister Angels that Debbie told me to buy the best. Then I heard her tell Stacey she like the tea pot that Stacey bought her the best. Then she told me that I was the best gift she could have gotten. OK, I made that one up.

Jennifer and Eddie drove up, and Stephanie, who was going to ride up with them had to work that day and drove up separately. Tori drove up from Lake State and Steve, Stacey and Jami came in from Cadillac for the event.

Neighbors came to pay their respects, I mean wish her a Happy Birthday, pound down several brewskis, have some snacks and pound down more brewskis. The only good thing for me about not drinking any longer, is that no matter what day you wake up, you're feeling great, unless you're sick with the flu or something. When I walked downstairs the following morning, the scene was like something out of Animal House. Everyone that was up, looked like they've been on a ten day drunk, and believe me, I do know what that's like. People were walking around at a slow pace, half laying/half sitting on the couches and chairs, heads on the dining room table. Novices!

The party was fantastic and it was an honor to be there for Becky's 50th birthday. She's a class act and a wonderful Sister in Law, even though her golf game leaves a lot to be desired. I know that she had a wonderful birthday and of course, we our love you Becky Sue.

YOU CAN TAKE THE BOY OUT OF DETROIT, BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE DETROIT OUT OF THE BOY

It all started in early March, when the first of many emails started to arrive in my In Box, talking about an April golf outing around my neck of the woods. After hundreds of 'Bring yo cash, I'm kick'n yo ass' emails, it was decided that April 5th would be the designated date to kick off what we hoped would be the first of many fun times together. The weather didn't do us wrong either for the first 2008 Parkman Brothers (minus 1) Golf Outing. I arrived early so I could sneak on the putting green before the others arrived and get in a little warm up to increase my odds. But, as I was chipping 30' wedge shots onto the 5th green at Country Town Golf Course, a Mercury SUV pulled up and I heard, "You can do that all day, but I'm still taking yo cash, Bitch." CAUGHT! After we greeted each other with our traditional hand shakes and Manly Hugs, we headed to the Club House to pick up some 'Course Refreshment' and headed in the direction of the first tee. Even before getting there, the laughter and the insults had already begun. The Boys were in town and ready to play. Winter was officially over as far as we were concerned. The Parkman Brothers were together once again. At that moment, it seemed like we had all traveled back in time, back to being 12 years old in Detroit, when we all got off a bus at Rouge Park Golf Course, carrying a bag of mis-matched clubs for our first official golf lesson. Who knew then, that after that first encounter on a REAL golf course, we'd all still be best buds and playing this silly ass game 48 years later.

As all golfers know, the first tee is the worst because everyone is watching you tee off. You know that if you don't hit a somewhat decent first drive, everyone that is standing there is going to hoot on you big time. I can't remember who teed off first, but by the end of all of our first drives, two balls went left, with one landing on wrong fairway and the other one landing on the wrong green 75 yards to the left. One ball did fly straight and true, but only with a total distance of maybe 50 feet and stopped. The fourth drive went into the pond to the right and the fifth one flew into the trees and was lost forever. MULLIGANs for everyone. The golf season has officially begun and what better way to start it off than with five life long friends. Years ago while on one of long weekend outings up Norf, we found a skull that had a hole in top of it and we purchased a flask to fit inside and fittingly named it the 'Death Flask'. We bring it with us on each and every outing and ceremoniously take a drink honoring each of the surviving Parkman Brothers prior to each game. The 'Death Flask' has each of our initials and birth dates engraved on it, although mine is wrong. So, if you send me a gift on 8/16, it should have been here on 8/12 and you'd be late. Just letting you know because I wouldn't want you to feel bad thinking you missed it. Don't thank me now, just thank me with a nicer gift than you were going to get me. Hey, you're all invited to my Big SIX OHHHHHH Birthday party, if anyone decides to give me one.

THE 'DEATH FLASK'

After golf, we headed to Springport for a nice lunch at the Hotel Bar, and continued to laugh and talk about everything that's been going on since we last saw each other a month ago. Things like, has anyone had seen so and so, who was that teacher that smacked you up side the head? What was our kindergarten teacher's name? But the funny thing was, one of us would remember and the stories would continue non-stop. Usually when it's my turn to host an outing, we head back to my house afterwards for a BBQ. Debbie cooks a wonderful meal and has everything ready when we arrive and I throw the meat on the grill. BUT, I give all the credit to my lovely wife for making everything perfect for my friends. After a few hours at the bar laughing our asses off and talking old times, we said farewell. They headed back to Saline, Livonia, Canton and Northville. And me, ha-ha, a fifteen minute drive back to Eaton Rapids. I was home napping on the couch by the time they hit I-94. It was a great day that was spent with great friends. It doesn't get any better than that. That night when I checked my email, there was already an email and a response about when and where the next outing would be. THE SAGA CONTINUES

The last weekend in April or the first weekend in May, depending on the weather, I'll be up Norf with my two lovely Sister in Laws, Becky 'Footwedge' Teel and Stacey 'I'm not playing if it raining' Osborn, for our annual In-Law Golfing/Bonding/Partying long weekend. Hopefully, Deb will join us so she can drive my cart and bring her now famous Jello Shots. This too is always a great fun weekend with plenty of laughter and good times.

Damn, It's been a while

It's been quite awhile since I wrote in my blog and I apologize for not keeping up with the B.S., I haven't an excuse. Stephanie keeps telling me, "Dad, I check your blog page every other day or so and you haven't written one in a long time." Well, I checked and I believe the last one I did was for G.G.'s 100th Birthday party in Cadillac.

Actually, not much has been going in my old life. I'm sure that the 6 people that read this sh-t know that Jennifer and Eddie were married. Jennifer is the Office Manager at National City Bank and is also acting Manager as the current Manager just resigned. Stephanie has just received a promotion at her place of employment and it looks as if she may be doing some traveling in her new position to meet with clients. She still comes over and raids our freezer before she leaves to go back to her place in Lansing. She's having her upstairs attic fixed up to become her bedroom and using her downstairs bedroom for whatever. Debbie is still mean to me and you all know that I'm not deserving of any of any of it.

I still have my good and my bad days because of my back. Some days when the pain isn't so intense, I think that I'm starting to be on the mend and start doing things that I used to do, but soon realize that my back isn't healed and I was a fool for trying. One thing though, I don't have the severe stabbing pains as often that I was experiencing almost everyday of my life. But you know, compared to what some other people have that can't be cured, my back problems are nothing in comparison. I'm positive that one day soon I'll be back to my same old perverted self, and it can't come too soon for me.

On Saturday, all but one of my grade school buddies from Detroit are coming up and we're going to head over to Springport to play some golf. Well, I'm going to try and play. If I can't, I'll just ride along in the cart and B.S. with my friends. The six of us have been Best Bud's since Kindergarten, playing football, baseball and hockey together, learning to golf together and just plain ass hanging around and chasing women together. These guys are like my brothers, but without having to put up with their bullsh-t twenty four hours a day. It's too bad we don't live closer to each other so we could hang even more. This picture was taken up North at Sandy's (lower right, next to me) second home at Nub's Nob at Harbor Springs when we do our Annual Up Norf Golf Outing.

Debbie decided that after she completely changed the looks of our bedroom and one other bedroom upstairs and painted the upstairs bathroom (pronounced Baff-room - if you're in her Third Grade Class in Jackson), that MY Baff-room off the family room needed to be completely re-done also. So, since I'm a sh-tty painter in her book, she painted that also (I did the taping). While out looking at paint, I saw a bedroom that was done in two colors and demanded (begged) to have my baff-room done in the same colors and surprisingly, she agreed (after promising her I'd rub her feet for a week). I had visions of finally changing the looks of things that were on the walls and making it a 'Manly Room', with things a man loves doing. I could see pictures of my kayaking trips in descending frames next to the window, my backpacking trips with Steve and golfing trips with my friends on another wall, you know, MANLY STUFF, but it was not to be. I have little green duck soap from our trip to Memphis when we stayed at the Peabody, two figurines of George and Martha Washington that her Grandmother made, and things I don't even have a clue what they are. She doesn't even go down there except once a week, maybe. But, she did a fantastic job and I have to admit, I am a sh-tty painter and couldn't have come close to her accomplishment. In my book, she is indeed a Sh-t House painter.

There is something that has been bothering me for some time now and I can't find the answer to the question. If anyone of the six people that read this knows the answer to the question I seek, it will be greatly appreciated...... If conjoined twins participate in sports, are they counted as one or two players?