Waking The Sleeping Monster

What a peaceful, restful weekend I had until this morning around 6:00 a.m. We went to bed early last night and like most Monday's, Deb had one of her 'Early Morning Meetings' and had set the alarm for a 5:15 a.m. wake up call.

We have a ritual here at the 'House of Hall'. Every morning when Deb's alarm goes off, I immediately roll over on her side of the bed, History comes in, cuddles under my chin and we both fall back asleep until I wake up later in the morning to start my day.

But this morning was a little different.......

As usual, the alarm went off, History came in and we fell back asleep, but this morning we were awaken to the sound of Debbie screaming "DAMN-IT JIM! GET DOWN HERE, NOW." Concerned that maybe something was wrong with her car, I came down stairs and she was standing in the kitchen next to the door leading into the garage. "What's the matter?" I asked, still sleepy eyed. "The 'Monster', she said, is sleeping in History's basket and I'm afraid to go into the garage." She cracked the door open a little, and if History weren't standing next to me at the time, I would have sworn it was him in there. The 'Monster' was curled up and crashed out in History's sleeping basket we keep for him on the landing in the garage, in case we're gone and he is out on the prowl.

"Kill It!" she screamed, as I re-opened the door and looked at it sleeping peacefully. "With What? Can't you see I'm standing here in my boxers. Being the protective husband I am, I left, returning moments later with my camera. "I wanted you to get a gun, not your camera." Are you planning on taking pictures of it until it dies of old age?" The only weapon available to me at that moment in time was a broom handle, and I immediately whacked it on top of the head to get it's attention. The 'Monster' looked up at me, nonchalantly stretched and slowly made its way off the landing, crawling under a table we have in there, while knocking things over as it made a slow retreat.

"What are you going to do NOW?" I heard her yell as she bolted for her car at the speed of light, and avoiding eye contact with the beast.......

Baby, It's COLD Inside

"You're going to be quite cold today." I heard Deb say as she was drying off from taking her shower this morning. "What the hell are you talking about? Do you think I'm too stupid to turn the heat up when I get up? Please turn down the heat before you leave, shut both doors to the bedroom so History doesn't come in and I'll call you tonight." "I'll shut the doors, she said, "but it won't matter if you turn it up or not, because YOU FORGOT TO CHECK THE PROPANE LEVEL IN THE TANK LIKE I ASKED YOU TO DO TWO WEEKS AGO AND I BELIEVE WE'RE OUT."

So, after going to sleep around 4:00 a.m., I was up at 6:30 a.m. dressed in my warmest attire and outside in the freezing weather checking the propane level which indeed turned out to be ZERO. Promptly at 7:00 a.m., I was on the phone with the propane people setting up a fill for today. Not really a big deal, but there is a five day fill period. But to get gas TODAY, I have to pay an extra $159.00. I believe they refer to that as an 'Asshole Charge'. No need to argue with them, they have you by the short and curlies, just suck it up, call yourself an A-Hole and make the best of a bad situation. But, as I sit here in sweat pants, sweat shirt, wool cap and wrapped up in my MSU blanket, I can't help but wonder if the propane people will get here before I have to leave for work. Not because I'm cold as shiiiiiiiit, but because when Deb comes home, she won't have any heat either until the pilot on the furnace is re-lite and also the hot water tank. Talk about a role reversal. She'll be the one bundled up and I'll be the one in a warm building. But, she's a survivor and can handle it until I get home tonight and then we'll heat the house up and then promptly turn the heat down to go to sleep. I love living in the country, except for the propane. So, now I was smart enough to put reminders on my computer calendar to send me email alerts EVERY TWO WEEKS TO CHECK THE PROPANE LEVEL. It won't need checking for a couple of months, but burn me once, shame on me, burn me three times (yeah, it's happened three times before) shame on me again.

Well, it's now 2:10, they haven't arrived, so I'm out of here.

Will I Have To Work This Weekend????

The main question that is on my mind these days is "Will I have to work again this weekend"? Hell, who knows, who cares. I never know until Wednesday when the Overtime Schedule is put up and that isn't always a given either. I thought I was suppose to be off last weekend, but was told on Friday evening about an hour before I was to leave and enjoy two days off with my lovely wife, that I had to work. Yesterday, I looked at the O.T. schedule and it looks like I'll be free this weekend, but once again, WHO KNOWS, it changes from hour to hour.

I don't know about you, but I really hate this time of year in Michigan. My life growing up in Detroit or I should say the 'outskirts' of D-troit, were filled with fun and adventure. Skiing with my friends, pick-up hockey games in the park and hanging out afterwards at one house or another. But now, I don't even want to go outside in this crap. I long for the weather to warm up so I can get outside, dressed in something other than my Carharts, boots and gloves. I'm so looking forward to heading out with kayak on the roof of the car, wind whipping against the straps and making the most ungodly noise you've ever heard, as we head down the highway at 75 mph and driving Debbie nuts.

I really look forward to spending time at Steve and Stacey's place on Lake Huron and the great views of Lake Huron, the beautiful Michigan sunsets, walking along the beach and of course, the great times that we share.

I also look forward to golfing with my grade school Buds on our impromptu golf outings. And, how can I forget the Annual In-Law Golf and Party Weekend with Stacey and Becky at the end of April. The weather up Norf is always iffy at that time of year, but we play anyway and party afterwards. Actually, we party while we play.

But, what do I have to look forward to until Nature awakens from her wintry hibernation?

AREN'T MICHIGAN WINTERS GRAND????

I believe this is at Marsh Ridge on the 452 yd. par 4. How the hell do I play this shot?

Must Be Nice To Have Presidents Day Off

Sure, I was off for six months last year because of my back, but that was in the past and unlike 'SOMEONE' in my family, I DON'T LIVE IN THE PAST. But, talking about it would be bringing up the past and I'm not a 'Past' person.

My lovely wife Deb is off today because of Presidents Day and she keeps rubbing it in. How many times can a person hear in a singing/laughing tone, "I'm off today and you're not." before one loses it completely? I tried to explain to her that if I were a State worker or a teacher like herself, I'd have it off also, but was happy she able to stay home and relax. Today, she's been prancing around the house most of the morning dancing and chanting "I'm off today and you're not. I'm off today and you're not." Being above the kid games, I blew off her childlike rants and went to work, somewhat upset because once again, she was off and I wasn't.

Like the good husband I am, I called her later in the evening to see if she was enjoying her day off and to my surprise, she apologized for her taunting and said that she would make it up to me with a nice dinner and also be dressed for a fun evening when I came home. I can't tell you the thoughts that went through my head, but I was thinking about the great time I'd have when I got home later in the evening.

Time seemed to stand still and the minutes seemed like hours, as I continuously waited for the clock strike 11:00 P.M. and I was finally free. The six mile drive home seemed even longer as the Honda, ever so smoothly negotiated the winding curves of the back roads it's traveled so many times before. Crazy thoughts were going through my mind, "What kind of great meal did she prepare for my dinner? What would my lovely wife be wearing as she anxiously awaited 'Her Man' to come home ? And, what would be the first words out of her lovely mouth as I tiredly walked through the door?

Walking through the door and into the living room, I heard, in a cooing voice, "Hey, Big Boy, I'll be down in a minute." "Sure is Baby." I said, wildly anticipating something wonderful was about to happen me. To my surprise, she came down stairs and the first words out of her mouth were, "I was off today and you weren't. I was off today and you weren't. I've already eaten, take out a frozen pizza for your meal, I"m going to bed. Have a nice night!"

Deb Say's I Need A Hobby

Well, it's the weekend once again I should be up at Lake State enjoying the weekend with my niece. Our niece, Tori Lee, invited Deb and I up to party with her and her Mom and Dad who are there for a visit also. Unfortunately, I have to work. But, last night I was informed that my schedule had changed and I now I only have to work on Sunday. A long drive for only a day of enjoyment. With Jennifer getting married in September, I figure the O.T. will help pay the expenses that will be incurred and we can always get together with the family at a later and of course, warmer time.

The other night while bitching to Deb, about how I have zero time during the day to do anything, she mentioned that I should maybe take up a hobby to entertain myself at night when I came home. I told her I have one, but she informed me that 'kick'n back' and watching t.v. really wasn't what she was talking about. So, I started browsing the web for some exciting things that I might enjoy doing when I come home at night. Of course, everything I found interesting and thought I'd enjoy doing would cost thousands in start-up money.

Being winter with a shiiiiiiit load of snow on the ground, I thought, "What can I do that won't cost me a thing and will get me back in shape for the start of golf season which by the way is just around the cornor?" And then it hit me, Swimming! Deb immediately informed me that the pool at the High School wasn't open that late at night and to think of something else. But knowing me, I wasn't about to let that one small detail stop me. Was she surprised when she looked outside and found me frolicking in Nature's wintry pool, enjoying my new hobby.

How Life Should Be

I think the life cycle is all backwards.You should start out dead; just get it right out of the way.

You wake up in a senior care facility and start feeling better every day.

You get kicked out of there for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch and a hell of a party on your first day.

Then, you work 30 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink, you party, you're promiscuous and then you get ready for High School.

After High School, you go to Junior High, then Grade School. You become a kid, you play or nap all day and you have no responsibilities.

You become a baby with no cares whatsoever.

Then, you spend the last 9 months of your life floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa treatments, room service on tap and larger living quarters everyday ... And finally ...

You finish off as an orgasm!

It would be so much better that way ... Because this getting old ....

Just sucks!

Some Say Blogging Is Gay

Most of you who know me, know that my neighborhood buddies from the Hood in Detroit of 50+ years and I still get together from time to time and get in several rounds of golf each year even though we all live in different parts of the state. One trip, being the 'Annual Up North Blowout' is the best. Even though it takes several emails and phone calls to get a date that is suitable for everyone, we all seem to adjust our schedules to go on this one. We golf, party and spend a shiiiiiit load of cash, but we have a great time and the laughter is endless. We even have a 'Death Flask' (pictured resting in the skull) which we religiously take a pull from prior to every game, to celebrate our long friendship and mainly the fact that all of us ARE STILL WARMER THAN DIRT.

Being the good Parkman Brother that I am (our grade school was Parkman Elementary) I sent the bsfromje address to my Bros and the responses I received were anything but complimentary. One said it was a Gay Thang and I need to Man Up. They also said I probably had a spot on My Space as well, and the other statements I dare not even print. But, what do I care? Hell NO! I've been tearing them up in my other column, 'Shitter Talk with The Ball' for a couple of years. and I guess paybacks are hell. Of course, that is written only for the Parkman Brother peruse. They can hoot on me for 'blogging' all they want, cause I'll still be taking their cash at the end of every round. This year however, the wagers will be going up and I'll be coming home with a fatter wallet than before. I still love those guys, in a manly way of course.

Kinda Kick'n Back On Saturday

I really look forward to the weekends and not just because I don't have to go into work. Well, yes that's why, but mostly because I can do all the chores and little things I wasn't able to do during the week. If I could get myself on a schedule during the week and get up at a decent hour instead noon, I would be able to complete most of the tasks I had planned and would also have the weekends free for Deb and I to spend time together since we really don't see each other during the week. But, by the time I wake up and my body starts moving correctly, it's time for 'Days of Our Lives' and then leave for work.

Yesterday, Deb and Jennifer were going to shop for a wedding dress and before she left, told me that I only had one chore and one chore only to complete and that was putting together another dresser that she purchased for Jennifer. Being a Sauder Man from way back with at least 50+ dressers/cabinets and computer desks under my belt, I knew that it would be a cinch to put this together, AND IT WAS, THE SECOND TIME AROUND. I had put together another one two weeks prior and I learned my lesson well. Deb had purchased one for her earlier and then decided that she would need another one and it was MY JOB to assemble it, again. Years ago, Sauder used what I called the 'Pound In Place' locking devices, but when I started on the first dresser, I discovered all of that had changed and they had converted to plastic clip mechanisms and tongue in grove construction. DIRECTIONS REQUIRED! I could tell you of the hours of hell I went through with the first one, but the swearing would take up most of the page. The second one however was a breeze and I had it completed within 2 hours. Whoever came up with this new idea was a genius. Unfortunately for me, I have to take the first dresser almost completely apart because I put the top on backwards. Hey, shiiiiiiiiiit happens. With my one and only chore completed, I kicked back, enjoyed a little golf on the tube, followed by some Spartan Hoop and I was still able to do what I do best.

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Amazing Archaeologcal Find

While preparing my small but plentiful garden area for this springs' planting, I unearthed some type of skeletal remains. Shocked by my accidental find, I pain stakingly removed all the debris from around the bones and noticed they were humanoid. Concerned this may be some sort of a secret burial place for who knows what, I called an archaeologist buddy of mine at M.S.U and he immediately came over to check out my rare discovery. After hours and hours of reassembling the bones, we came to the conclusion that I had unearthed the remains of the first Eaton Rapids Police Officer dating back to the turn of the century. How did we come to this conclusion you may be asking yourself? Check out the position of the head. Even still today when you see one of Eaton Rapids finest, you'll notice their head is in the same location.